Cause/Effect Workshop Response Questions - Joshua's Second Essay

Thesis
1. Restate the thesis in your own words. If the thesis is a question and not an assertion, make it an assertion. Make sure the words “although” and "because" are in it.

Although there are plenty of things to keep children active these days, kids continue to gain weight and become obese because there are more shows on television for them, the snacks they typically consume are unhealthy, and their parents do not take an active role in their children's health.

2. Does the thesis argue a link between a cause(s) and effect(s)? Is it at the end of the first paragraph?

The thesis does does a fine job of linking the causes to the effect, however is the only sentence in the first paragraph. You need to add some content to lead up to this statement.

3. List the cause(s).

The causes you list are: access to more television shows geared toward children, over consumption of unhealthy snacks, and a lack of parental support encouraging their children's' healthy lifestyles.

4. List the effect(s).

The effect you state is: a continuously growing percentage of obese children.


Audience
Who is the author's audience? Will the audience already agree with the author, or is the author writing to the opposition? How can you tell? Give specific examples.

It sounds like the target audience is parents and probably the ones who oppose this opinion. I would assume this due to the informative and slightly hostile nature of the essay.


Counterargument
List the counterarguments (arguments of the author’s oppositions) used in the paper (there should be at least three). Does the author adequately address these arguments? Do you think there are other arguments that could be addressed? Do you see any logical fallacies?


Uh oh, I think this something I overlooked when I wrote my essay, too. It would not appear that you address any counterarguments in this essay.

Title
Does the paper have an interesting title? If not, help author come up with one.

The essay doesn't appear to have a title yet. It should be something that stands out against other titles and can also benefit from including a little subject relation. Perhaps: Kids These Days. Although that's a little vague.. Maybe: Getting too big for their shorts. I don't know, I don't consider titles to be my strong point, but I know a good one can be pretty important, especially since it is usually the only thing someone looks at before they decide whether or not to read the rest of the article.


Introduction
Is there a catchy lead sentence? What is it? If there isn't one, what would you suggest?

The introduction is only one sentence long and does not have a catchy lead. Perhaps consider paraphrasing the fact from your second paragraph similar to how you did in your conclusion where you wrote: Fifteen percent of the children in America are obese and three out of four of those will be obese as adults. That would make a fairly catchy beginning, however it would require some reworking of the rest of the essay if you were to use it.


Conclusion
How does the author conclude the paper? What do you think of it?

Overall the final message is fine, but it could use some proofreading and rewording. I like the quote from Benjamin Franklin, it's quite appropriate.

Flow/Transitions
Does each paragraph expand upon the thesis? Do the paragraphs flow? Which paragraphs have bumpy transitions?

The flow is a little rough. There are a few run on sentences. Also there are parts that lack or misuse commas which can throw off the reader.
Paragraphs 2 and 4 lack a transition, although the 3rd and the conclusion are fine. Common easily integrated transitions to consider on those might be: "For starters", "First off", "Lastly", or "The last thing."


Other suggestions:

A little extra time proof-reading would be helpful; there are a couple spelling/grammatical errors as well as some run-on sentences. Also, consider eliminating all of your conjunctions - like they're to they are and aren't to are not, ect. - as this can make your essay look more professional. Another thing I noticed was how you added a couple questions in paragraph 3 that did not immediately have answers following them - and from what I know, this is a no-no, so you may want to fix that somehow. And I think that is all I have.